Algorithmic Behavior
Fact: The physiological signs of attraction are the same as those of fear.
It had taken a significant amount of courage for eleven-year-old Tam to even move her fingers within an inch of Ellie’s. The episode of Nova was almost over by the time she had accrued enough energy to make the movement. She knew it was trouble (girls should only exchange excited glances while watching television, especially if the program is documentary), though she was not sure why or how she knew it.
When Tam’s mother caught her holding hands with Ellie under a pillow in their living room, she switched off PBS and whispered to her daughter, “Do you even think before you act?” She did, obviously, she thought a lot about it, but she didn’t consult anyone before acting, so no one told her things were wrong until after she’d already done them. All her knowledge about social behavior was derived from posteriori logic.
When Ellie’s parents came to pick her up, Tam’s own father said, “It’s always the quiet ones.”
Tam, being eleven, did not know what had made her do it. She had simply felt close to Ellie and had had no other way to express this, since saying, “I feel close to you,” was beyond the emotional range of even normal preadolescents.
Ellie appeared not to have known that anything was wrong, as she asked, “What’s up with our parents?” Soon she would have a boyfriend, so nothing would be.
Note to self:: How to become acquainted with someone: Confess things the way they do, but only confess the kinds of things they confess. State your pet peeves like they do: as if the annoyances are tantamount to felonies. Say that you dreamed of curing cancer or creating a grand unification theory, like they did, until you realized that everyone had those lofty goals, but no one achieved them. Tell them your sister was the favorite, your mother was overbearing, and your father was distant, like theirs. When they feel you have these things in common, you can say something that matters.
After Tam knew enough about seduction, she and Dr. Carroway slept together. After they slept together, Dr. Carroway smiled at her in the halls, in the mail room, at colloquia. People smile when they want more of something―more humor, more conversation, more food, more of you―but Tam’s experiment was complete, and the results were conclusive enough that she did not need to repeat it in order to confirm her findings. She knew now that intercourse was not completely unpleasant, and that she was capable of feeling not unpleasant while coursing with another person. That was enough.
Tam also knew that she was pregnant, but when Dr. Carroway sat next to her on the day she found out, she did not say, “Just because I couldn’t say ‘condom’ aloud doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have put one on,” nor did she say, “The stick turned pink,” nor did she say, “It’s yours”―she just said hello with a straight-lined mouth, because she did not want him to think she wanted anything from him.
Note to self:: How to do things like they do: Discover why your “how to” procedures work. With reason, the procedures will seem less like algorithms and more like living.
