The Greek’s Pregnant Lover: This is by far my favorite title yet for the rather sizeable selection of pornographic “literature” that Target carries.  I think what I really enjoy and maybe respect about these books is that their titles try to hide nothing.  From the moment you pick up The Hot Italian Boss’s Barely Legal and Completely Sexually Innocent Secretary, you know exactly what you’re going to be reading.

It’s in these books we find many common vocabulary words.  Regardless of whom the author may be, you are guaranteed to find words like:  mound, wet, moist, driving, soft, folds, release, moan, seed, hard, member, deep, or marinated asparagus.    The plot lines are ludicrous, if not borderline illegal.  The male lead is someone brutish, motivated by power, and the type women usually complain about as a distasteful option.

I haven’t had the opportunity yet to peruse the spine-tingling and completely predictable drama that The Greek’s Pregnant Lover has to offer, but for the sheer entertainment value of the title alone, let’s delve into a possible plotline.

Teela:  Hello, shirtless stranger.  I am pregnant.

The Greek:  I am the Greek.  I desire you. Your obvious child-bearing state excites me.  I will remove my pants.

Teela:  Don’t you think we should wait, shirtless Greek, until after the baby is born?  My body will offer you greater physical pleasure, and will not be quite as bulbous.

The Greek:   I am a powerful man who takes what he wants.  And right now, my keen shirtless senses are telling me that all pregnant women want to do is have earth-shattering orgasms.  The Greek can give you these.

Teela:  Oh Greek, how can I resist your charms?

The Greek:  You cannot.  Probably because you’re single and pregnant and therefore, weak-willed, and need male dominance to give your life direction and meaning.  Not to mention the fact that I am strange, mysterious, shirtless, and Greek.

Teela:  My god…it’s like you’ve known me forever…make love to me! 

The Greek:  YES!  Enough with this talk of my desirous nature for your inhabited womb!  Let us make the love on a bed of red grapes!

Teela:  Oh Greek!  What will you do with me?  Tell me how you will ravage my body without real regard to the baby’s general wellness!

The Greek:  My darling, I have a list of vocabulary words that may prove useful during our outrageous bout of coitus.

Teela:  Tell me these trite and unoriginal phrases denoting our naked frolicking in fruit!

The Greek:  Yes!  YES!  Let us get drunk with PLEASURE so that it feels as if we are no longer on my family’s successful and ancient vineyard, but on the very summit of a mountain where the only person that could possibly see us making sweet, hard, hot, pregnant love is that stack of money I could be saving with Geico.

I’m considering writing my own smutty novel…any ideas for a title/plot are welcome.